sometimes very bad things happen that cannot be logically explained. and you want to explain them. you want there to be a definitive reason for the things that happen, to explain the cause. but in the end, you're left with the question of why, and you're a lost for the reason.

a close friend on mine lost his sister recently. no one knows why she took her life. there is no explanation, and the people who should be explaining are not talking.

he talked to me about what happened, still in a stunned phase, not sure how to deal with the events that had just transpired. i wanted to tell him how to feel. i wanted to tell him that i understood what he was feeling, but no matter the situation, you can never really understand.

the subject of the wake and funeral came up, and as it turns out, they're holding it in my hometown. he let me know when it was happening, but insisting that if i didn't want to go, i didn't have to. he knew how i felt about these things.

back in the day, just after i first met him, a close aunt passed away as a result of a freak accident; a gruesome car crash. it shook the whole family. no one knew how to feel about it. no one wanted to believe that she had died on one of her first vacations in years. we all cherished the story that her last thought after the accident was to make sure that her beloved daughter (who was also in the crash) was okay, that she would live.

the funeral service was held in my home town, at a church a few blocks from my house. The logical place to hold the post-funeral gathering of family members was my house. it was a nightmare.

there were arguments. there were different parts of different related-through-marriage families who didn't like each other, and didn't think the others should even be there. there were arguments over who loved who more. there were many people leaving in tears. there was utter turmoil.

it seems that way with all deaths in the family. doesn't matter who passes away, there is always the "aftermath" of the whole thing when parts of the family don't talk to each other for months.

i've been to a few too many funerals, and frankly, i don't think that i can really handle another one. even though it isn't my family, i know that it'll effect me, and i know that it will depress me.

in the past few years, every funeral that i have been to has made me think about my mother, and her passing many years ago. it throws me into a depression. and i don't think that another funeral is something that i can handle right now.